acfm, Author at Arrow Child & Family Ministries

Jennie Sulfridge knows how difficult the holiday season can be for foster parents and their children.

Christmas parties, traveling to see relatives, shopping outings to crowded stores and more add up to one long, stressful month. As a veteran foster parent with four adoptive daughters of her own, Jennie wanted to give advice to foster parents struggling through the holidays, and reassure them that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

She recently orchestrated a foster parent lunch at the Arrow Headquarters in Spring. Jennie not only offered her time, but she and her daughters also provided appetizers and desserts, and even made decorations and centerpieces for the occasion. Jennie and her oldest daughter, Hannah, gave advice and answered questions for a room of about 50 foster parents.

One key piece of advice was for parents to make time for their children during the holiday season. Hannah called time the greatest gift a foster parent can give to their child, and Jennie agreed.

“Their lives haven’t ever been put first,” Jennie said. “Your time is your most valuable resource for them, so even when you don’t feel like it, it’s important to invest time in your kids.”

To make sure they made time for each other during the busy holiday season, Jennie made a special Advent calendar for herself and the girls. The calendar specified a new family activity to do together for each day leading up to Christmas, such as going ice skating, or looking at Christmas lights.

Jennie also urged parents to schedule time for peace and quiet during the holidays, and suggested letting foster children know ahead of time about holiday parties and family gatherings so they feel prepared.

But perhaps the most important piece of advice Jennie gave was to be flexible.

She gave the example of one Easter where her girls were having tantrums and breakdowns, so they didn’t end up celebrating the holiday until the Tuesday afterward.

Hannah urged patience for days when foster children continually misbehave. She said she tested Jennie’s boundaries shortly after she was placed in the home, and Jennie’s patience with her eventually lead to a breakthrough.

“I had a lot of doubts about if I’d actually stay,” she said. “But I remember one week, I was bad seven days in a row, and by day eight mom hadn’t given up on me. I was reassured that I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Last year, 20,936 teens in foster care awaited adoption, but less than a quarter were welcomed into a permanent family.

That’s just one reason why 14-year-old Savannah’s adoption Wednesday was so special.

She joined her adoptive family in front of a judge on Wednesday, and told him she wanted to officially become a Larramendi. When the judge granted the adoption, applause erupted in the room.

For Savannah’s father, Ulises, finalizing the adoption was just icing on the cake. To him, she was already his daughter.

“I knew she was my daughter when she came to us in June,” Ulises said. “We’ve thought of her as our daughter since day one. God has been impacting our lives through her from that moment on. It’s an eternal thing.”

Maria and Ulises Larramendi felt God had called them to adopt a teenager, and Savannah was placed with them about six months ago, after being in the foster care system for more than two years.

Savannah described her parents as “pretty chill,” and her three older brothers as “very protective.”

“In my bio-family, I was the oldest, but now I’m the youngest, so I’m getting used to that,” she said.

Ambitious and confident, Savannah has big plans for the future.

“I want to go to college at Texas Tech and become a choir teacher, and the color guard director,” she said. “I love music, and those have always been my favorite electives in school.”

Now with the full support of a permanent family, her dreams are closer to reality than ever. Her parents couldn’t be more proud of her.

But that’s not to say there haven’t been bumps along the way. Parenting a teenage girl is always difficult, and throwing years of being in the child welfare system on top of that just adds to the challenge.

Ulises said that he and his wife both get emotional when they look at baby pictures of Savannah, wishing that they could have adopted her before she went through so much hurt and trauma. However, they trust that God put them in her life at the right time.

Ulises credits Arrow staff for helping him prepare for the difficulties of being a foster parent by being upfront about its realities.

“One thing Arrow did in every class was be brutally honest, and encouraged us to be brutally honest as well, and now I know why they do it,” Ulises said. “When Jamie (a former Arrow Family Home Developer) said ‘You need to pray this up every day,’ now we know why. But at the end of the day (Savannah’s) life has changed, and God is glorified.”

Arrow recently joined forces with Hope For Tomorrow, a fellow Christian foster care agency in Texas, and will operate in four new cities as a result of the acquisition—San Angelo, Brownwood, San Marcos and Harlingen.

Hope For Tomorrow offices in Amarillo, Granbury and Copperas Cove will merge with existing Arrow offices, bringing new resources, staff members and foster kids into the Arrow family in those regions.

Arrow now operates 12 offices across the state, and is providing our exemplary care and services to more than 200 additional foster children, for a total of 1,200 children across the nation.

“This joining of forces makes Arrow the largest foster care agency in the State of Texas,” said Arrow CEO Scott Lundy. “This only serves to position Arrow as a leader in the National Child Welfare arena.”

To find out more about becoming a foster parent, visit www.arrow.org/foster.

An Arrow family who adopted three children from foster care, two of whom have special needs, has been named Adoptive Family of the Year by the Texas Alliance of Child and Family Services!

Kendrick and Rosalyn Poole had been involved in the deaf ministry at their church when they felt called to adopt a child with a hearing impairment. The couple felt especially equipped to parent a deaf child because Kendrick himself is deaf, and Rosalyn is an American Sign Language interpreter.

A search on an adoption website led them to seek out more information about a 14-year-old girl named Dynasty. Dynasty was born deaf, and had been in foster care since she was 8 years old. During her 6 years in foster care, Dynasty had struggled through 14 foster care placements and was living in a group home. Being bounced from home to home, and not having the proper support and guidance she needed to cope with her disability, caused severe trauma in Dynasty’s life. Never had she been in a foster home that was able to communicate effectively with her in sign language.

That is, until Kendrick and Rosalyn came into the picture.

The Pooles became licensed foster parents, and finally welcomed Dynasty into their home. Dynasty felt immediately accepted. Kendrick and Rosalyn not only loved and cared for her, but could communicate with her in sign language. Six months later, she became Dynasty Poole when she was officially adopted by the Pooles.

But Rosalyn and Kendrick weren’t done. A search on the Texas Adoption Resource Exchange website lead them to two brothers who had been featured on the website for more than two years. One of the brothers, Wesley, had developmental and communication challenges that required the use of sign language. Wesley and his brother William were placed with the Pooles in October of last year, and their adoption into the growing Poole family was finalized last month. Since being placed with the Pooles, William has learned sign language and can now perfectly communicate with his brother, sister, father and mother.

“The Pooles are a wonderful family worthy of this award for what they have done for these three children,” said Mala Ganapati, Arrow’s Regional Adoption Coordinator who nominated them for the award. “They are strong advocates for their children, and give them unconditional love and acceptance. The Pooles are a testament to the fact that there are no barriers when it comes to adoption.”

When Brenda and Francisco Hernandez decided to foster, they planned on taking in two children at the most.

But when they were asked if they would take in four brothers who had been separated most of their lives, they opened their hearts and their home to all four boys in order to keep them together. The boys’ youngest brother had already been adopted out to another family, and Brenda and Francisco wanted to ensure that the remaining four would grow up in each other’s lives.

Eli, Adam, Hugo and Brendan arrived at the Hernandez home about two years ago, and overnight Brenda and Francisco went from having no children to parenting four boys, ages 8, 6, 5 and 2.

It wasn’t easy. The boys had hardly any clothes or belongings, and they often fought. At times Brenda had doubts about continuing to foster them.

“There were days when I didn’t think I could do this anymore,” she said. “But we just prayed and prayed about it, and we prayed with the boys as well.”

Eli, the oldest, wrote Brenda a note the very first week he was placed with her, and his words really touched her heart, and gave her the motivation to persevere.

It read “You’re the best mom. Thank you for taking care of me, and feeding me, and thank you for cleaning my teeth.” (Brenda is a dental hygienist.)

“Knowing the abuse and neglect they came from, I just couldn’t let them go back.” Brenda said. “I love them like my own.”

Slowly but surely, the boys learned to share, and fought less. They also learned to trust Brenda and Francisco. At first, when the family would go to the mall or to church, the older two boys would ask “You’re not going to leave us here, are you?” But over the past two years, they have learned that Brenda and Francisco would never abandon them.

They’ve also begun to do better in school, and have started to explore their interest in sports. Brenda and Francisco helped the oldest three each find a sport to participate in at the local Boys & Girls Club. Eli has turned out to be an excellent swimmer, Adam is very good at golf, and Hugo is now the quarterback of his flag football team.

But the best change in the boys’ lives came last month when Brenda and Francisco were able to adopt them, all four of them, dispelling any uncertainty and anxiety about their future. The boys officially became Eli, Adam, Hugo and Brendan Hernandez on August 7^th.

“The boys kept asking, ‘Am I really going to be a Hernandez?’” Brenda said. “It was almost too good to be true. We were all excited.”

Below is an excerpt from a recent update one of our team members received from a 17-year-old foster child, who recently was reunited with her mother. In the letter, the teen talks about how her foster family and Arrow staff inspired her to get a job and look into college. We are so proud of her!

I miss all the staff from Arrow. Y’all were amazing, and I hope I can help kids like me one day just like y’all helped me and so many others. I still keep in contact or try to keep in contact with my friends up there, but I’m trying to focus on work and school over everything.

The resume that Ms. Heather (Johnson, family intervention specialist,) helped me revise and the interview pointers really helped with getting the job (at Texas Roadhouse). Also, I have been looking into college. I still don’t know if I am going to go, but it doesn’t hurt to look.

One of the major things I miss though is having an older sister. Down here (with my mom) I’m back to being the oldest, so I don’t really have anyone to run to that is there in person to talk about stuff when I don’t want to talk to my mom. When I lived with (my foster mom, my foster sister) was right downstairs. I know I probably annoyed her sometimes, but seeing her and her push for success is what has made me rethink college. She is honestly a huge role model. I learned what the word RESPECT meant when I moved in there and I thank them for that. Also, I found out that not everyone is going to leave me stranded. I am happy at home and thank y’all for helping me grow as a young woman because without that help this visit would been just that—a visit. It would not have been successful (in reuniting my mom and I). I miss all of y’all and I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope to be up visiting the Baltimore area during one of my breaks from school, and days off of work.

By Rebecca Bender

Rescued victims. Have you heard this term? Maybe your heart fills with excitement, passion or joy when you think of being able to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We imagine a child like our own, taken, abducted, hopeless and helpless while trapped in a room with her teddy bear. It becomes unbearable to think of what may happen next, as a captive victim of sex trafficking. The righteous fury rises up inside us and we stand, as the army of God to fight this injustice.

Well, what happens when it doesn’t quite look like this? I am a survivor of trafficking. I was forced into prostitution for nearly six years at the age of 18- an “adult.” In my time as a trafficking advocate, I have helped dozens of girls, consulted safe home staff across the world and trained more than 5,800 community members just like you. Do you want no know how many times I have encountered the above scenario? None. Does that mean trafficking doesn’t happen? Absolutely not… trafficking is very real in our country. But, unfortunately, most people have the very wrong idea of trafficking and end up being disappointed or hurt when running to the “rescue.”

Imagine this scenario instead: your neighbor girl next door is 7. Her parents fight and dad, because of his alcoholism; is verbally abusive, yelling and throwing things against the walls most evenings. She spends her time hiding under bed, hoping his fury isn’t taken out on her. At 9, her parents divorce, and mom gets a new boyfriend. Mom has no time for her because she is enthralled with her new romance. Your neighbor begins fading into the background of importance. When she turns 10, her new step dad begins sneaking in her room at night and touching her inappropriately. She is scared and doesn’t want to hurt her mom. She puts up with it until she is 12. In middle school, she starts drinking at parties, both to escape from her home life and simply as a predisposition to her father’s alcoholism. Her mom notices the change and begins grounding her. Unable to tell her mom the truth out of fear, she runs away in the night to a party. Her step dad “just happens to notice” and calls the police who put out a pick up order on her. Cops are called because the party is too loud and she gets picked up as a runaway and put in juvenile hall. Inside, she is bullied because she is clearly “new” and the girls who are in juvie often can pick up on “fresh meat.”

Your neighbor is lost and lonely and hurting. She doesn’t know her way out, she has never seen another life modeled for her and at 13 now, lacks the cognitive reasoning to understand cause and effect. This cycle of running to avoid step-dad and stay self-medicated at parties continues, where the pickup order and juvie spirals. She is hardened. Callouses have developed around her heart. At 14 she meets a guy a party who is 24. She is flattered that the older, cute boy at the party is paying attention to her. He takes a real interest, making her feel valued, listened to and adored for the first time in her life. He asks when she has to be home and she tells him she isn’t going home. He invites her to travel, to get away for a couple days. She wants nothing more than to run to something better and this appears to be the first and only invitation in her life to escape…

Your neighbor arrives in a new city with her adult boyfriend. She is excited until he gives her a new pair of bra and underwear and tells her to go to the strip club across the street, that they need the money for the hotel. She feels pressured, afraid and doesn’t want the dream of escaping to end. The boyfriend coerces her, reminding her that it’s just dancing and her dad use to force her to do more. At least now she’s in control. It’s an empowering feeling for her to turn it around on men. Her boyfriend picks her up from the club at 2 a.m. for a week. He tells her how proud he is of her, how he knew she was special. She makes enough money to support them, even though he takes it all because he is the adult and “knows what needs to be paid.”

One night, he picks her up and there are men are in the backseat. He tells her how much they need this extra cash to get out of town and rent a home not a hotel. He wants to be a family with her and marry her when she turns 16 in a different state but they need the money to move. Just once he begs…

Her boundaries have already been expanded to a further point than most children and a small shove from her “boyfriend” pushes her over the edge. This continues and no longer is it the strip club, but now it’s Backpage ads or he’ll hit her– a far step from the verbal abuse growing up. She gets picked up by law enforcement and ends up in Freedom Place at 15.

She isn’t running from the hotel thankful to be “rescued.” She wasn’t kidnapped, nor does she have her teddy bear. She’s hardened and hard. She cusses and wants a cigarette. She misses her abusive boyfriend, which we know is a trafficker, but she doesn’t see the fraud and wants to be the family he promised. You want to help her, but she looks at you like you’re one of her school teachers, annoyed and untrusting.

Why does this situation not make us want to run to help her? Because we don’t see the back story the day we arrive to help? We see an angry young girls who flips you off and cusses saying she’s going back as soon as her time here is done. Why invest? Why get close? I’ll tell you why:

We must reach our youth with the same love and compassion and empathy that Christ calls us to. We must push the “rescue victims” out of our thoughts or we’ll be disappointed. She is hurting and needs time to let her hardened heart soften before she’ll let you in. She asks herself, “Why did the volunteer get the hand of cards dealt to her while I got a life of pain?” She is jealous and mad at you for the privilege you were born with. She is afraid of what her life holds when she gets out. Will she be back with her step dad? Will she live in a foster family who doesn’t get it? What really does the future hold with a drop-out education, a minimum wage job and no job skills to really put her in a position to be economically empowered.

It’s not the kidnapped version, but it is the majority of what we deal with here in America. We need people to look past the tough façade, and see a hurt child who has built walls around herself. We need to stop acting like we have it all together and share a bit of our struggles, proving more and more that we haven’t had a silver spoon either. We need to help identify resources in the community for her exit plan: an internship, a home where she can go to college or technical school, incentives for completing programs and a career/life coach to help her make choices for her future that will keep her out of poverty. We need her to get counseling to understand the complex trauma of exploitation and healthy ways to stay connected to an unhealthy family for the rest of her life. This is the reality of the work. It’s complex, it’s individualized for each girl and it’s hard. But, it is also incredibly rewarding. Being diligent and watching the transformation of lives. No, we don’t win every one but we do win many! No greater love is this than to lay down your life for a friend.

“She’s the daughter of a king and even though she doesn’t know it yet, we will love her until she does know.” – Christina Rangel: Trafficking Survivor and Advocate

Rebecca Bender is a nationally known and recognized Survivor Leader in the efforts to eradicate modern day slavery. She has trained people such as directors of FBI and former President Jimmy Carter. She is the author of Roadmap to Redemption, a faith based work book for survivors. Her organization, Rebecca Bender Ministries is the first to offer online mentoring classes and webinars and specializes in rural America. In her free time, you can find her finishing her Master’s Degree at Bethel University and spending time with her husband and their four lively daughters.

Instead of getting birthday presents from her friends, Emma Showalter decided to use her ninth birthday as an opportunity to collect books for Arrow foster children.

Emma said she got the idea after seeing the film Annie. The movie sparked a conversation about foster care between Emma and her mom, Jennifer Showalter. After discussing some of the difficulties kids in foster care face, Emma asked her mom “So what do we do? Do we just wish them well and send them on their way?”

That comment lead to a discussion about ways to help children in foster care, and eventually, Emma decided that she would use her upcoming birthday to collect books for Arrow foster kids.

Emma collected more than 100 books for the kids, and made bookmarks. She set up a table at the Spring office’s back to school event, where the kids could come and pick out a book and bookmark of their own.

“I liked giving out the books and bookmarks,” Emma said. “It was fun to see how excited the kids were when they got a book to keep.”

Thanks so much to the Showalter family! Emma’s heart for giving has truly inspired us.

The TODAY Show recently wrote an awesome article for their website featuring an Arrow family! Seventeen-year-old Breanna was recently adopted by her foster parents, Fred and Diane Shaw. The Shaws were empty-nesters before they welcomed Breanna into their home, and at first they were nervous about fostering a teen. However, Fred and Diane soon realized they had nothing to be scared of! They love being Breanna’s parents, and Breanna is so happy to have a family to call her own. Read the full TODAY article below!

Before Diane Shaw met her daughter, Breanna, she wasn’t sure she was ready to foster a teen.

Having become empty nesters after raising four children of their own, Diane and her husband knew they faced “a major life change” in welcoming Breanna and her brother into their home.

“I was so nervous… to have two teens in the house I didn’t know,” Diane recalled.

But on Breanna’s first visit, any anxieties Diane had about fostering simply melted away.

“I couldn’t stop smiling, and whenever [Breanna and her brother] turned their backs, I’d mouth to my husband that I loved them,” Diane said.

Diane and her husband, Fred, adopted 17 year-old Breanna in May, four years after that first encounter.

“It was the best day of my life,” said Breanna of her Adoption Day. “I have a family all my own… and I know they’re not going to ever give up on me.”

The Shaws celebrated their special day in the courtroom with a photo inspired by Together We Rise, a foster care advocacy group that shares Adoption Day photos (also known as “gotcha day” photos) to increase awareness of adopting through foster care.

With more than 100,000 children in foster care still waiting for permanent homes, an adoption such as Breanna’s is more than just a family milestone. It’s a sign that attitudes about adopting from foster care are starting to shift.

Americans now have a more favorable opinion of foster care adoption than of international adoption or private infant adoption, according to a 2013 study by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

However, more than half of Americans still wrongly believe that children in the foster care system are juvenile delinquents, the study also revealed. In fact, children enter foster care because of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment at the hands of their biological family.

Between their unfair reputation for being “bad kids” and the misconceptions many families have about adoption in general, many foster care children are still struggling to find forever homes.

Here are six of the most pervasive myths about adopting from foster care, deconstructed by adoptive families and experts alike:

1. You’ll end up fostering/adopting more than one child

There’s a fear that if you become involved with the foster care system, “they’re going to twist your arm and you’ll come home with a carful of kids,” explained Rita Soronen, CEO and President of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.In reality, Soronen said, “[foster care] agencies for the most part err on the side of caution.” Agencies don’t want to overwhelm new foster parents, or place children in homes where they won’t get the attention they need.

“You have the power over your family… you say yes or no,” said Kristina Wilmoth, an active foster parent. She and her husband, Josh, adopted their son Jasper after having two biological children of their own.

2. All foster care kids have medical or behavioral needs that make them difficult to parent

Only one-third of the children in foster care have any kind of diagnosable disability, according to a report from United Cerebral Palsy and Children’s Rights.

Many other children are classified by the state as having “special needs,” but not for the reasons you might think. The term simply refers to a condition that makes the child harder to find a home, such as being older or part of a sibling group.

“That doesn’t mean that [these children] are any more difficult to parent,” said Soronen. “They’ve just had a rough start in life, and they need a family.”

Breanna Shaw, for example, “fell under the category of special needs, even though there was nothing mentally or physically that she needed help with,” explained her adoptive mother, Diane.

On the contrary: Bre is “a huge reader and a great speaker” and is doing well in school, said Diane.

Even when a child’s “special needs” are impossible to predict, families don’t have to give up hope of a happy ending.

Caring for their soon-to-be son, Waylon, during his four months in the NICU, Dan and Lindsey Jenkins weren’t sure if he would have cognitive deficits or other health problems as a result of being premature. In the end, Lindsey said, it didn’t matter.

“We didn’t care… we just grew to love him,” Lindsey Jenkins explained.

As it turns out, “he’s actually proven to be mostly healthy and physically sound,” said Dan. “We call [Waylon] our little miracle baby.”

3. There’s a higher cost than adopting from overseas

“People believe that because it’s expensive to adopt internationally or to adopt through a private agency…it’s also expensive to adopt from foster care. It’s not,” Soronen explained.”It costs virtually nothing.”

In fact, the average cost of adopting from foster care is less than $2,500, and up to $2,000 may be covered by the state. Families may also receive monthly maintenance payments and financial aid for their child’s college education.

“We were under no financial burden at any time,” said Dan Jenkins of his son Waylon’s adoption. But even “if it cost a million dollars to have the little boy we have now, we would have done it.”

4. It’s not worth the risk of having to say goodbye

As with any form of adoption — or really, any method of becoming a parent — there are no guarantees. But some worry that the emotional toll of adopting from foster care is too high, as they may lose their child to a biological relative months or years into the adoption process.

Adoptive parents say the wait was tough — but entirely worth it.

“Sometimes I felt like I would keep my heart guarded, just in case,” said Kristina Wilmoth, remembering the time before she and her husband were granted custody of their son Jasper. But “once they get adopted, it’s like you gave birth to them.”

Plus, fostering a child is “so important, and you do get so many rewards out of it,” said Lindsey Wery, adoptive mom to 4 year-old Annie. “I wasn’t a parent before, and now I am.”

“I look back and wonder what I was so worried about,” added Dan Jenkins. “[Our] little boy has benefited our lives in more ways than we can put into words. The reward far outweighs the risk.”

5. You have to build a relationship with the birth parents and/or relatives

“No adoptive family is required to have a relationship with the biological family,” said Soronen. “Once you’re an adoptive family, you make the legal decisions for [your] child.”

Soronen recommends staying touch with the birth family only “if it’s safe and if it’s appropriate,” as every situation is different.

Dan and Lindsey Jenkins, parents to 2-year-old Waylon, are in contact with a few of their son’s relatives, as well as his biological brother.

“As he gets older and wants to know them, he deserves to,” said Lindsey.

Josh and Kristina Wilmoth feel similarly. But when interacting with their son Jasper’s biological parents, they’ve tried to establish certain boundaries.

We’re “very clear that [Jasper] is my child… [and] that my husband is ‘Dad,'” explained Kristina.

Breanna Shaw, meanwhile, is only in touch with her siblings. As for the rest of her biological family, she said, “I prefer not to talk to them.”

“I feel like I have a family here,” Breanna added. “I just prefer to move forward.”

6. If you adopt an older child instead of an infant, they’ll never feel like “yours”

“That’s just so wrong,” said Soronen. “There’s just no reason to think that adopting an older youth — whether they’re nine or 16 — isn’t worth the effort.”

Breanna Shaw remembers how anxious the idea of being adopted made her at first, after a nearly lifetime of moving between different homes.

“Rationally, I knew they loved me… But there’s always that small voice that says, ‘Are they going to love me enough?'” said Breanna.

Meanwhile, Breanna’s adoptive parents, Diane and Fred Shaw, were concerned about being able to provide adequate support.

We wondered, “‘Are we going to be enough for her? Are we going to be enough to help her heal?'” Diane recalled.

But these days, Breanna told TODAY, she feels completely at home.

“It takes a lot of being vulnerable [to be adopted], but it’s worth it,” Breanna said. “It’s the best feeling in the world, being loved.”

Blogger Maralee Bradley generously allowed us to share her blog about a very common concern among prospective foster parents– becoming attached to a child who will most likely leave. Bradley does a wonderful job explaining that building trust (and thus, becoming “attached”) is exactly what a foster child needs in this very vulnerable time in their life.

I remember the wonder I felt when my son Joel was a tiny newborn and I realized just my presence could comfort him. He would cry. I would pick him up. He would stop crying. It seemed like a miracle to me. I hadn’t done anything special, hadn’t started singing a soothing lullaby or offered him a bottle, I had just picked him up and he was at peace. I felt just as startled when my son Teddy was a week old and was crying while I put him down for a minute so I could get dressed. I called out to him, “It’s okay! Mommy is here!” and he stopped crying. It was so odd to me that just the sound of my voice could reassure him he was safe.

I imagine other mothers may not be as surprised to find they are capable of comforting their children. Other mothers may even expect their babies will quiet when they are picked up or will be soothed by hearing their mother’s voice. Probably because other mothers weren’t initiated into this whole parenting gig via adoption and foster care.

Joel and Teddy are the sons I grew in my body. They heard my voice for 40 weeks. They know my heartbeat, the way I pace the floor when I’m on the phone, the arguing voices of their siblings, the way the dog barks when someone knocks at the door. These boys know my smell, my sounds, my rhythm. They are hardwired to trust me and in some ways it takes minimal effort to establish that I am trustworthy.

This is not the case when you are a stranger to the child you love. I have spent long hours bouncing a baby who was terrified of me– a white face when he had only known brown. I have fed a baby who only felt safe enough to eat when she was turned away from me because she wasn’t used to being held while she ate. I have loved children who spent their prenatal lives being subjected to toxic substances, listening to the sounds of domestic violence happening around them, or the cold sterile noises of prison life. They have been programed to love and trust someone who ended up being untrustworthy and they fear the love of the stranger doing the midnight feedings and changing their diapers. When they cry and you pick them up, they are not comforted.

It is a long process to establish trust. It means being a calm presence to a frightened child. It means putting aside your desire to be liked or to have your love reciprocated. It may mean days or weeks or months of being the only one to meet that child’s needs so they learn you are the one they can trust. It may not come simply or naturally or easily. But when it does come, it is overwhelmingly beautiful.

The first time that child falls asleep in your arms or gazes into your eyes while you feed them or comes to you for a hug when they’re scared, it is a feeling of joy and accomplishment that is uniquely special. Being trusted by your foster or adopted child is not something that was just naturally given to you, it was something you earned through all the hours of love and consistent care you invested in this child.

But in the case of foster children, why do you want them to learn to trust you if eventually they will have to leave you? It’s a question every foster parent struggles with. I do all the work, but eventually I will be untrustworthy too, when a judge decides this child should leave my home. Is it worth all the work? Will I end up hurting this child more by creating an attachment that has to be severed?

The beautiful thing is that trust is a learned skill. When we invest in children and teach them to trust by being trustworthy, they can transfer that attachment to other trustworthy adults. We have given kids the gift of attachment when we pour ourselves into them. They will grieve when they leave us, but they have developed the capacity to love and trust again. This has huge implications for their ability to love a spouse, parent their own children some day, even create friendships and have a stable job. We have the ability to give them the start they need to learn to accept love when it is offered and relate to others in healthy ways.

I know this is true because I watched it happen with my own child. My firstborn son had to grieve the loss of an orphanage nanny he was attached to, but was able to learn how to trust me at the end of that process. By loving and attaching to this baby, she gave him the ability to love and attach to me. But I know it came at a cost to her.

When we worry about if it’s worth it to develop trust with a foster child, I think there’s another worry we’re not talking about. We’re worried for ourselves. We hear people say they could never be a foster parent because they would get “too attached” and while we may roll our eyes at that, we also know the reality– getting too attached is exactly what this child needs from us, and it’s also the very thing that will break our heart.

Creating attachment and teaching a child to trust is a difficult process. When we succeed, we rejoice. And when that child has to leave us, we grieve. These are not choices we make because they are easiest or make the most sense. They are the choices we make because we we want to do what’s right. We know these children didn’t choose this road, but we can choose to make it easier for them, even if that means life is harder for us.

To learn more about becoming a foster parent, visit www.arrow.org/foster.

Maralee’s other writing can be found on her website, www.amusingmaralee.com.